Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Man Crates presents Scary Movie Survival Kit

I do not own the above image.  Copyright Wallpaperjoo.com.  All Rights Reserved.

            A few weeks ago, I received an email from a company called Man Crates.  What is Man Crates you ask?  Man Crates is a company that delivers manlygifts in manly wooden crates to manly men who have to open them with manly crow bars.  How awesome is that?  Answer: Very.  Back to the email, she asked me what I thought someone would need in Man Crate Scary Movie Survival Kit.  And I, a person willing to do anything to garner attention from anyone, decided to write this.
            When thinking about this, I first remind myself that everything comes in a crate.  I’ve seen a few of these pieces where the writer has a car in his/her kit.  The shipping on that crate would cost more than the car itself.  I also thought about how you would carry the contents of the crate.  Now, I’m assuming there will be only 4 people in your group (You, the girl/guy you have a crush on, your nerdy best friend and that stereotypical black friend who won’t make it to Act III no matter how hard they try) so you have a fair amount of carrying power.  Alright, here we go.

Road Atlas
            It’s a dark, stormy, foggy night and you’re out with friends.  You get lost & your GPS isn’t charged.  What are you to do?  Do what everyone else did prior to 2005: read a map.  Done.  You’ll never find that creepy house on that road that you’ve been on before.

Enough Flashlights for Everyone
            Ok.  That didn’t work because your school stopped teaching geography ten years ago.  You are at that creepy house.  No phone, no lights, no motorcar, not a single luxury.  Having enough flashlights for everyone will allow you to investigate the house quicker, if you must.  The flashlights also come in handy to get out of the woods after outrunning that pesky chainsaw welding creep.

Garlic Necklaces
            Their immediate use is to ward off vampires.  Their secondary use is for the garlic mashed potatoes at the dinner celebrating the survival of the night.

A Gun with a Box of Silver Bullets
            You never know when to run into a werewolf.  Or, if the guy packing your crate has a sense of humor, you’ll get a case of Coors Light.  Either way, you’ll survive the confrontation with the werewolf.

A Week of Military Style Rations
            You never know how long you will be on the run from a psychopath, vampire, werewolf or whatever creature Stephen King has chasing you.  At the same time, you have a backpack with limited space & weight capabilities.  Those military-style meals remedy both issues.  Plus, your soon-to-be girlfriend will still find the meals too fattening, leaving more rations for you!

Roadside Emergency Kit
            Like I said earlier, a car is too big to get in a crate.  But you know what isn’t?  Jumper cables, a tire gauge and a basic first aid kit.  You are in a horror movie.  You are already provided a car.  A some point, however, it WILL break down.  Be prepared.

Caffeine Gum
            You thank my wife for this one.  You have to find a way to kill time & stay awake on those long nights keeping watch.  Caffeine gum is the best of both worlds.

            I’m sure there’s a thing or two I’m missing from the crate that would 1) be useful & 2) fit.  If you can think of anything, leave it in the comments, contact me on Twitter (@AlmostFlmCritic) or call me at 867-5309.  But make sure you don’t forget to use Man Crates for all your man’s wooden crate needs.  Now, I wonder what a man would need in a wooden crate for Thanksgiving to survive a dinner with the in-laws.  Boy, that’s just as terrifying…