For 12 years, I avoided this series
like it had swine flu. Hell, I avoided
FAST & FURIOUS like it was swine
flu. I am not a car guy. I drove the same rickety Saturn (remember
them?) my parents gave me 11 summers ago until the last weekend of February. I may be the furthest thing from a
muscle-fueled gear head. I’m 5’9” &
way too damn heavy. I hate rap
music…that isn’t Eminem.
Needless to say, I’m not the target
audience for this soon-to-be seven film series.
I do remember seeing the first one at the friendly neighborhood drive-in
movie theatre. (Side note: That drive-in
[Skyview-Twin in Carmichaels, PA] is about two miles from my parents’ house and
opens for the season on the night of FURIOUS 7’s release.) I enjoyed it, bought the DVD in January then
promptly threw it off to the side, like it was some 3rd place
science fair ribbon you are too embarrassed to say you have. Each sequel looked progressively worse &
worse. Yet, the box office returns blew
up with each installment.
To say the series is a cultural
phenomenon may be an understatement. A
$93+ million Memorial Day weekend opening domestically, $239 million domestic
& $789 worldwide totals is impressive.
But the eye-opening moment for me came in the aftermath of the tragic,
ironic death of the series’ star Paul Walker.
Fan & industry tributes sprung up everywhere you turned. FAST & FURIOUS meant something to people.
And that’s where I come to with this
piece. In order to understand the craze,
I had to witness the craze firsthand.
But as I said before, I haven’t watched any of the previous 5
movies. So I decided to do what my
generation does best: binge-watch all 12+ hours of moving pictures with
sound. Just like with TWILIGHT 2 ½ years
ago, I watched each of the previous installments over the course of a week &
wrote a little something about each one before seeing FURIOUS 7 opening night
solo. Enjoy!
Spoilers
ahead. Continue with caution.
Who
am I kidding? Are you really going to
care if I spoil anything in these movies?
I mean, there’s no “Luke, I am your father” or Bruce Willis is dead the
whole time moments. So how spoilery can
I really get?
Warning:
Major spoilers for THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and THE SIXTH SENSE above.
THE
FAST & THE FURIOUS
Gearhead Brian (Walker) wants in on
the illegal street racing scene. To do
so, he needs to beat/impress the king of the street, Dom Toretto (Diesel). After a night of evading the police & a
rival car gang, Brian meets the crew: Dom’s girlfriend Letty (Rodriguez), Dom’s
sister Mia (Brewster), tech guy Jesse and muscle guys Leon & Vince. Did I mention Brian is an undercover cop
investigating a series of robberies of trucks by skilled drivers?
One major theme of this series is
how the quality of the beginning sequence, both as an individual scene and as
how it relates to the rest of the movie.
The opening sequence of the series is quite thrilling as we see the band
of auto bandits steal a truck of recently imported electronic goods. As you sit through the remaining 100+
minutes, you can clearly see the tone is established wonderfully by the opening
scene. There is another great truck
robbery sequence to open the third act that’s even more thrilling. The car races are enough to keep the viewer
satisfied, even if you have the check your understanding of the laws of time
& space at the door.
As for the drama provided by the
screenplay, it is low on horsepower. The
struggle Brian has with himself between his personal relationship with Dom
& his professional obligation as a cop exists but lacks the necessary kick
to really jump the movie to the next level.
All the actors try their best but their acting chops are average at best
(Walker’s best performance, hands down, will forever be in 1998’s
PLEASANTVILLE) and the dialogue does little to assist them. And the music cues are at times
laughable. One of the opening scenes
features a confrontation between Brian & Vince wherein Vince comes from
behind Brian to shove him into his car.
All the while, a synthesized chorus on the soundtrack warns the viewer
(and, I assume, Brian) to “Watch yo, watch yo, watch yo back!” I lost it.
Eventually, I regained my composure
to, much to my surprise, enjoy this first installment. I wanted to see what happen to these characters. I wanted to see why, in the eyes of critics
& the audience, these movies failed where this one succeeded.
***1/2
2
FAST 2 FURIOUS
Brian is now in Miami, off the force
and racing cars. After the opening
racing sequence, which has little significance to the rest of the plot, Brian
is arrested and given a deal to get out of it.
Brian, along with ex-childhood friend Roman (Tyrese), are tasked with
co-operating with undercover agent Fuentes (Mendes) to bring down drug kingpin
Carter Verone (Hauser).
A big issue with this movie is that
everything is standard, subpar elements of movies that you have seen
before. The drug dealer is your everyday
extravagant living snoozefest of a guy with minions to carry out all his dirty
work. The black best friend is a
wisecracking, gun-toting hothead.
Everything on the young Japanese girl has everything covered in pink and
generic anime characters.
Worst of all, all the action scenes
are showoffy without advancing the plot.
The movie features the most shifting of vehicles of any movie released
prior to 2013’s GETAWAY. And the third
act features the recreation of a scene from The Dukes of Hazzard or SMOKEY
& THE BANDIT with about 1/20 the joy.
And the movie is so forgettable I don’t
feel like continuing to talk about it.
It still exists, it’s in color, it’s in focus. That’s all.
½*
THE
FAST & THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT
And now for something completely
different. Mostly.
High school senior Sean (Black) is
in deep with the law. After destroying
portions of an in-construction luxury housing development, it looks like a
stint in prison is in his future. But
his mother works out a deal: he’ll finish out his high school career with his
Naval officer father…in Japan. There, Sean
falls under the spell of the underground racing scene in Tokyo and a mafioso’s
nephew’s girlfriend. Under the arm of
the mysterious Han, can Sean survive the ire of the Yakuza and thrive in the
driving world?
At first glance, TOKYO DRIFT has
even less to do with the first movie than the second one. Sure, there’s street racing & a bland
white guy in the lead role but that’s about it.
The basic story is formulaic with the typical hero in a strange land
needing to survive with the help of the wise, mysterious guide and the young
“damsel in distress” being ruled by the tyrant.
The real problem here is the movie is too crowded. Alongside the hero’s journey & the street
racing, there’s a large chunk of the movie devoted to the villain & his
connections to the Japanese mafia. The
movie slides into his subplot so often that I couldn’t help but feel the movie
was a Japanese mafia movie first as opposed to how the movie was gift-wrapped &
marketed: a FAST & FURIOUS sequel.
The over-stuffing becomes a major
and hilarious problem in the third act.
After Han’s death in a car wreck after being outed as a thief inside the
Yakuza, Sean decides to pay off Han’s debt.
After being rejected, he resorts to Plan B: …wait for it…CHALENGING THE
VILLAIN TO A STREET RACE AND THE YAKUZA ACCEPTS. A subplot that was played so deathly
seriously that you’d swear the movie were trying for Academy Awards now turns
in a way that is so absurd it makes me wonder why the Yakuza didn’t sue.
And the race itself is even more
laughable (if it didn’t take itself so seriously). First, the race takes place in the dead of
night, on a public, hillside road, is at least, in my estimation, 3.5 miles
long and contains about 40 turns. They
don’t call the villain “D.K.” (Drift King) for nothing I guess but to run this
track would be impossible on the clearest day in the history of Japan, let
alone on a foggy, soggy night. There is
little room for spectators on the track.
Luckily, with the (apparent) abundance of HD-quality, live-streaming
cell phone video technology (I wish I was kidding) in Japan in 2005, viewing
the race is crystal clear.
Apart from the Vin Diesel cameo and
the end credits tie-in in FURIOUS 6, TOKYO DRIFT is little more than the
run-of-the-mill, over-serious, poorly-acted, unfocused action flick. But at least I remember some of it.
*
FAST
& FURIOUS
The on-the-road heist-masters (plus
Han) from the original are back. After
stealing and selling six tanks full of fuel the Dominican Republic, Dom
disbands the group and go their separate ways.
Months later, Letty is killed in a car accident in LA and the group is
determined to find the culprit.
Meanwhile, Brian is on the powerful side of the law again. This time, he is on a team baffled by the trail
of drug kingpin Arturo Braga.
Eventually, Dom & Brian, separately, become runners in Braga’s gang,
determined to bring him down.
This fourth installment suffers from
the same issues as the second. Every
scene is bogged down by a single, bland, overreaching drug running plan. Because the end game is so narrow &
specific and the specifics of the world created by the script (the US-Mexico
border at one point has a high & wide mountain range that the only way
across is through an unlit, man-made, rickety tunnel with automatic garage
doors that US Customs hasn’t discovered) are so inexplicable that the movie
gets really boring, really quickly with the lack of interesting action
sequences. Driving through a tunnel never
looked so boring. And with that boredom
hanging over the proceedings, the climax, despite the ridiculous world
described above, is taken so serious you’d swear Mike Leigh were in the
director’s chair.
In the end, you could say this movie
only exists to introduce the world the actress who would play Wonder Woman and
to create the cliffhanger that opens…
*
FAST
FIVE
After the events of the fourth
installment, Dom is sentenced to hard, long time in prison. Luckily, his “family” arrives to break him
out. Once freed, the crew heads down to
Rio for sanctuary. After a job stealing
cars off a train, Dom & Brian draw the ire of the cars’ owner, drug kingpin
Hernan Reyes. Soon, Dom & Brian
discover the scope of Reyes’ influence on Rio and with the help of DEA Agent
Luke Hobbs (Johnson), plan to end his empire.
For the first time since the
original, there is a sense of joy in these characters and to the script. Unlike the second & fourth installments,
we see the potential for a more open storyline as the “family” looks at the
drug cartel from the outside. Trying to
stop a criminal from the outside is more interesting than inside out unless you
have the best of the best screenwriters on the payroll.
FAST FIVE also features the best action
sequence of the series. I know I said I
was going to spoil a lot of this series but the third act here needs to be seen
to be believed. For the first time, the
mantra “it’s so bad it’s good” applies here.
The setup is absolutely bonkers and the execution is nearly perfect as
well. If you want to watch as little of
the series as possible, watch the third act of this one. It is worth every second.
Despite the joyous third act, the
movie suffers at little from its length and its meandering and forgettable second
act. You’ll enter the end credits
satisfied but the journey there is arduous at times.
***
FAST
& FURIOUS 6
After the events (& profits) of
the previous movie, the “family” once again have gone their separate ways. But soon enough, they are brought together
for one last job. Owen Shaw is a slick,
ex-Special Forces criminal with a talented crew. If Shaw is caught by Dom & his crew, Hobbs
can guarantee they can all go home, their records wiped clean. Just one twist: Shaw’s number two is the
presumed-dead Letty.
To be honest, I remember very little
in the four days since watching it, outside of the third act of this
unremarkable movie. The only thing I
remember is the juxtaposition of the two crews.
The heroes act like a family, always there for each other even eating
together. Shaw’s crew members are just
in it for the money. A fascinating
detail to throw into this movie.
But the entire movie is nothing more
than padding to set up the final, ludicrous action sequence. After obtaining the MacGuffin (if you don’t
know what that is, please look it up), Hobbs & his crew try to get away via
cargo plane. Dom & his crew stop
them by grounding the plane.
Literally. Using military-grade
harpoons, the non-muscle members of the team shoot the flaps on the wings and
used their cars as weights to keep them on the longest runway in the universe. All the while, Dom, Hobbs and a converted
Letty steal the MacGuffin then escape before the plane crashes.
The final action scene is impressive but
the movie stills lacks that dramatic kick necessary to move this, or any other
movie, along.
*1/2
SUMMARY
To put it simply, I don’t get
it. With a title like FAST &
FURIOUS, the action should be that and occasionally it is. But most sequences fall short of the high bar
set not only the nomenclature of the title but also by how the first scene of
the first movie. That first heist is
fun, exciting and somewhat original. The
cars & the driving abilities of the characters actually mean something in
that scene and in the other heist scene early in the third act of the same
movie. Apart from opening scene of the
fourth film and the climatic scene of FAST FIVE, at no other time does the
ability to maneuver the cars by any of the characters mean anything to the
plot. It is also telling that the most
interesting character of the series is chasing them, played by The Rock &
is not introduced until FAST FIVE.
And what’s most shocking of all is that
this series only get more popular. I do
not understand the movie-going public’s fascination with these uninteresting
characters, the horrible dialogue and the (mostly) subpar action
sequences. It both shocks & saddens
me that FURIOUS 7, which I have seen & will write about later, will be seen
by more people in three days than will ever see WHIPLASH or DRIVE. SPRING BREAKERS has a more satisfying gun
play than anything these screenwriters could ever conceive.
Quantity does not mean quality. It never has and never will. The FAST & FURIOUS series is no
different. The lack of drama &
intrigue sinks the series. Movies should
not go in one ear and out the other.
Movies are special, unique and precious.
But that’s a different story for a different day. The series is a mess. Pure & simple.
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