I do not own the above image. Copyright Universal Pictures.
On this
blog & on Movie Rehab, a site I contribute to, I try to call to attention to movies about women for women that deserve it.
In the past, I’ve praised Bridget Jones’ Baby, boosted a portion of How
to Be Single and roundly criticized The Other Woman & The Boss as lowest
common denominator cesspools that lower the integrity of their
protagonists. As bad as those latter two
movies are, Fifty Shades Darker is the closest I’ve come to suggesting women
who care about film & themselves as a gender to revolt against cinema.
When we
last left you, Anastasia Steele (Johnson) had left Christian Grey (Dornan) &
his Red Room behind. She has a new job
with a great boss, an apartment to die for and friends & roommates that
adore her. Soon enough, however, Grey
with his fancy bank account and whips & chains comes crawling back. Will Ana take him back or will she save
herself from…herself?
Within 10
minutes, we know the answer and it’s not good for anyone. On their first date back together, Ana does
show some restraint & playfulness by flirting with Christian while making
dinner. This kind of ingenuity is
short-lived as they hop into bed together to have bland sex. This early scene highlights yet again that
Anastasia, no matter how hard Dakota Johnson tries, is a passive & weak
character. In scene after scene, in life
changing decision after decision, Steele meekly goes through this movie like
lost puppy.
Let’s be
honest with ourselves: Christian Grey is a creep. Even on the surface, he’s shady, wealthy character
with his lack of normal friendships and a family that either is completely
unaware of his lifestyle or totally fine with his “masochistic” side. Add that to the fact that Grey has dossiers
of potential submissives compiled by private investigators. How did Ana not run directly to court to file
a restraining order? If Brad Pitt in his
prime (or even now) tried this, his career goes down the toilet. What makes Grey any different from Jim Preston
in Passengers, who also obsessively researched his object of affection for
weeks before ultimately waking her up to woo her? I guess it’s because Grey owns a penthouse
& a helicopter and is a character in a bad Twilight fan-fiction romance
novel.
Every time
I blinked, Ana was topless. I’ve seen
Dakota Johnson naked more times this week than my wife. On the other side of the ledger, models for
skiing equipment show more skin that Dornan does in four of the five love
scenes. Even in the two that take place
in the shower, Grey is only shown from the belly button up. Does Dornan, with his plastic abs &pecs and
his stiff acting, have no genitalia to complete the Ken Doll ensemble?
In every
regard, Fifty Shades Darker is worse than its predecessor. When you want steamy love story, wouldn’t you
call the guy who adapted Glengarry Glen Ross to the screen? James Foley shoots this movie like a music
video. There are multiple montages where
the camera moves at breakneck speed with blaring pop music, including one where
Ana steers Christian’s boat. That
sequence is played out as if Steele was Ricky Bobby returning to the
racetrack. The most egregious sins occur
during the love scenes where Foley decides to blast bad R&B while the two
go at it. The worst of these occurs when
Ana is fingered in a crowded elevator.
The music is originally that muzak that you hear in every elevator
everywhere, but once they start fooling around, we are treated to a Top 40 song
that will sound great on the faux-edgy, housewife-approved soundtrack. Any sexiness still left in the room as the
two lifeless central characters had immediately disappeared as that outside
music distracts from the already bleak proceedings.
Foley &
screenwriter Niall Leonard (E.L. James’ husband) also fill the 111 minutes runtime
with an opening scene of young Christian hiding from his abusive father,
implying that his sexual desires stem from those beatings. How sexy!
There’s a subplot involving one of Christian’s former jilted, suicidal
submissives that is resolved in a way too quick & easy manner that leads to
a fight that only lasts one of those aforementioned montages where Ana walks
around the entire city of Seattle. There’s
also an unintentionally funny sequence where Grey is involved in a helicopter
accident and is missing for a few hours until the television coverage announces
that he’s found alive & well milliseconds before the elevator door to his
apartment opens to Grey walking in with injuries consistent with tripping on
the sidewalk instead of crashing into a dense forest of Southern Washington. Additionally, there’s a cliffhanger ending involving
Ana’s sexual assaulter former boss and Christian’s first former lover
separately plotting revenge. Oh…wait…sorry,
SPOILER ALERT!
Fifty
Shades Darker is as sexy & well made as a tampon commercial. During those ads, those women at least get to
visit a water park, play goalkeeper on the school’s soccer team or get to dance
the night away. Here, our protagonist is
stuck in a loveless relationship with a monstrous bore, filmed & written by
two guys who couldn’t fill the screen with sex appeal or drama if they were
given Super Soakers full of it at point blank range. Anastasia deserves better and so do the
starving women over 25 demographic.
Zero stars
