WILD GIRL WALTZ

I do not own the above image. Copyright Levrock Pictures.  All rights reserved.

                I have reached the next level in my amateur film critic hobby-dom.  A few weeks ago, I got an email from an independent movie studio executive asking me to review his movie.  When I could, I watched it with my wife.  During the whole 82 minute runtime, I felt conflicted.  Conflicted about how the professionals do this.  How are they able to write reviews of movies they are given?  How are they able to be truthful about a movie that they know the person who sent you the movie WILL be reading their review?  Are they able to really beat down a bad movie?  Is this something I have to learn as I embark on this odyssey of film criticism?  Here goes nothing.

            WILD GIRL WALTZ has the basics of being a decent comedy.  Two young women are bored on a picturesque New England summer day.  They decide to each take a drug one of the women got from a co-worker.  They start tripping out.  Their boyfriend/brother has to make sure they survive.  Surely this is going allow hilarity to ensue?  Not really.

            I have a theory about movie comedies.  There is a realism spectrum for comedies.  On one end you have “100% realistic” on the other is “100% absurdly ridiculous”.  To be a successful comedy, you should be close to either end of the spectrum but not on the edge.  Most Wes Anderson movies are on the realistic end of the spectrum, while most other modern successful comedies are on the ridiculous end.  Right in the middle, you have Adam Sandler movies and you know how those are.  WILD GIRL WALTZ starts at around 65% absurd but moves closer to the center quickly.

            Don’t get me wrong, I remember laughing.  After a (very) rough start, there are 20 nice minutes where the three main characters do some interesting things.  I started writing this review about 7 hours after it ended.  I just don’t remember one thing I laughed at.

I also don’t remember laughing at all during the last 55 minutes.  All I remember is sitting on my futon, just like I am now, and have nothing to positively react to.  WGW is full of little scenes that make little to no sense while they happen and look like terrible SNL skits afterwards.  An early scene deals with the girls’ “babysitter” trying to collect a debt.  The debt is never mentioned again.  Another scene involves a woman being knocked out for attempting to steal from the guy’s truck.  Makes little sense and doesn’t advance the plot.  The movie also goes on a love story tangent ala FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF.  It worked there, but doesn’t here.

            But for those 20 glorious minutes, the movie tries and somewhat succeeds.  There is plenty of potential here.  This looks more professional than most current blockbusters.  The material & consistency just isn’t there.  WILD GIRL WALTZ just deflates like a cheap beach ball.  Then suffocates you with its dullness.

*

Olympus Has Fallen

I do not own the above image. For entertainment purposes only.  Copyright Millennium Films.  All rights reserved.

                Pro-American patriotism in movies has existed for about as long as movies have existed.  At first, most were war propaganda movies but over time the subtlety slightly dropped until the Reagan years when moved more towards individual non- or former-military American superiority.  OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN continues in this tradition, even adding a new, hypocritical layer to the system.

                Mike Banning (Butler) was at one time President Benjamin Asher’s (Eckhart) Secret Service right hand man.  Eighteen months after a tragic accident, Banning is behind a desk, relegated to the sidelines of the sidelines.  While Banning receives a little respect from his fellow agents, his marriage is falling apart.  Everything changes when the Prime Minister of South Korea arrives in town.  Soon after arriving, the President, the VP, Cabinet members, the PM and his security detail are all trapped in the White House’s (or is it Whitehouse?) underground bunker.

                Director Antoine Fuqua’s most ambitious project to date, OLYMPUS features a terrorist plot that makes the heist in OCEAN’S ELEVEN look like a the robbery at the end of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.  First-time screenwriters Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt go all out, sometimes needlessly so, throwing in double-crosses, aircraft w/ anti-anti-aircraft flares and even armed & armored garbage trucks.  This operation would make the IRA blush and say, “Whoa, guys!  Tone it down a little.”

                The star-studded cast didn’t disappoint, least of all, star/producer Gerard Butler as Agent Banning.  Butler takes the second half of the movie and has his way with it.  To paraphrase my best college friend, “The last half is like DIE HARD and RAMBO had a kid.  Then that kid started taking drugs at age five.”  Aaron Eckhart is a great President of the United States, playing cool confidence better than most.  The rest of the cast including Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett and an (at least to me) unrecognizable Melissa Leo are solid.

                But OLYMPUS has a few glaring issues.  First, there is what I would like to call “written exposition”.  And what I mean by that is that many places and people are introduced to us by medium-sized white text in the bottom left corner of the screen.  For instance, the first time we meet many members of the executive & legislative branches, such as Freeman & Leo, we see “Speaker Trumbull” or “Defense Secretary Ruth McMillan” in said text.  Even the obvious stuff is labeled, such as a scene where the enemy’s plane veers left and we see beautiful Washington D.C.  But do we know this because we recognize the Washington Monument & the U.S. Capitol Building or because of the “Washington D.C.” text on the screen?  The filmmakers assume you and I are complete morons! 

                But what really bugged me was something I would like to call faux-patriotism.  I understand that the power & ingenuity of individual Americans is what makes America great.  But do we really need the obligatory “stupid police/military officer”, especially since the General never showed any of this trait until the helicopter rescue attempt.  Showing a man who dedicated his life to his country acting like a fool when his country needs him most?  And yes, the Secret Service is selfless and heroic.  But why is one of the enemies an ex-Agent who shows little to no signs of animosity towards the President or his colleagues?  Greed is the American way nowadays, but to cash in by selling out your country?  God bless America indeed.

                But two elements really ground my gears.  First, no respect to Mr. Butler, but why is the hero played by a Scotsman?!?!  I know that many heroes have been played by foreigners, but if a similar movie coming out this summer can get Channing Tatum, surely Fuqua could have gotten a fellow American?  To paraphrase Chris Rock: if Denzel isn’t available, wait!

Second, and more egregious offense, the visual effects.  It’s bad enough that the effects work is awful.  It took everything I had not to howl when the enemy plane crashed into the cheap looking Washington Monument, whose collapse momentarily resembled one of the Twin Towers.  The CGI flag left me Did I say cheap effects?  That’s because they were created by a company in BULGARIA!  Seriously!  Check the credits.  Sofia, Bulgaria!

Those are just the large issues.  OLYMPUS contains some truly ridiculous things.  Like anti-aircraft weapons THAT RISE FROM THE ROOF OF THE WHITE HOUSE!  South Koreans are able to crack anything, even the President’s nuclear code, despite the fact that they couldn't crack the codes of two lower officials.  And did you know the White House is able to track whether or not a Secret Service Agent is alive or not?

I could go on forever but 800 words is 775 too many for this mediocre, at best, action movie.  OLYMPUS wears its patriotism on its sleeve but constantly wipes its filthy hands with it.  As thrilling as the last half is at times, there are too many things to ruin the fun.

*1/2

Second Time's the Charm?: Precious, Based on the Novel "Push" by Saphire, Queen of the Desert: Part II, The Quickening

I do not own the above image.  Copyright Lionsgate.  All rights reserved.  For entertainment purposes only.

                Every year, there is usually a Best Picture nominee I disagree with.  Some disagreements are small, like LIFE OF PI this year.  A few are huge, like BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD.  In 2009, PRECIOUS, BASED ON THE NOVEL “PUSH” BY SAPHIRE (pretentious much?) took Sundance by storm, followed by the rest of the country in November.  It came to my neck of the woods on the first weekend of December.  You would be hard pressed to find someone who hated the movie more.

                PRECIOUS is a movie about a brutally beaten, abused and lonely teenager Precious Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) living with her mother Mary (Mo’Nique), the welfare queen Ronald Reagan warned us about.  Precious is pregnant (again), raped by her father, sent to an alternative school, is the butt of all jokes about her obesity and will be diagnosed with HIV.  How could this movie be anything but depressing?

                I saw the movie for a second time about three weeks.  And it really is two different movies: one where Mary Jones runs rampant and one where she doesn’t exist.  The latter is just marvelous.  We find out who Precious is.  She is fairly intelligent and loving.  Precious is the type of young lady who would thrive under normal circumstances.  Alas, Precious lives a depressing and torturous life.  All because of her mother.

Just to cut the chase, Mary Jones is a reprehensible thing.  To call her a human is an insult to the bacteria that causes the common cold in human beings.  She runs her household & family like a tyrant.  Mary is the worst kind of villain: one who has no redeeming quality.  No matter how terrible a villain is, we can really say something positive about them.  Hannibal Lector, Dr. Strangelove & Col. Hans Landa all have one thing in common: they are all geniuses.  Mary Jones is a fat, fugly, rude, egotistical bitch.  She is the kind of character, and I use that term loosely for this one note wench, who deserves nothing.  Which makes the final scene even more reprehensible.

Mary meets with Precious and their social worker in the office in order to get her assistance back.  In the scene, Mary spills her guts, talking about everything from the relationship she had with Precious’ father/baby daddy.  She goes into detail about when the bond between herself & Precious, which is only barely covered by pictures during one of the numerous beatings of her daughter, went sour.  In short, Precious was first abused at two or three while Mary & Precious’ father were in the middle of lovemaking.  And Mary, after unsuccessfully (half-assedly) trying to stop it, Mary GETS JEALOUS OF HER DAUGHTER GETTING HER MAN’S ATTENTION!!!  Instead of stopping the discussion, the social worker weakly allows Satan to finish.  And boy, does she finish!  Mary asks for SYMPATHY.  Specifically, she asks “Who’s going to love me?”  With all the truly reprehensible things she has done, including throwing a TV at her daughter and grandson, she gets a chance at redemption.  We all know she wasn’t going to get redeemed, but the fact that the novelist Saphire, screenwriter Geoffrey Fletcher & director Lee Daniels would have the audacity of having this monologue and that final line is a joke.  A truly unfunny, worthless, time-wasting joke.

Needless to say, PRECIOUS is not a movie I will ever love.  It has elements and the potential to be loved.  But when I discover a character that is so pathetic & worthless, I regret wasting time and bytes talking about her.  I hope never to think about Mary Jones, or any woman like her who supposedly exists in the real world, ever again.

*1/2

What I Learned From This Year's Academy Awards (half-a$$ed)

• I need to see ARGO and LIFE OF PI again, ASAP!
• Next year, no host > (insert host's name here)
• The Academy Awards are about the movies, not the stage performances
• A random number of Best Picture nominees is still ridiculous; needs to be 5 or 10
• Who is lead, who is supporting? Christoph Waltz, as I have said since mid-December, is co-lead at worst.
• The LES MISERABLES we got is worse than we thought. F^&* you Tom Hooper!
• The winners are not always as bad as they appear
• The most popular non-director nomination snub: CLOUD ATLAS for Best Score
• I am far from the only hardcore MOONRISE KINGDOM fan. Huge smile.
• The Academy voted for Pixar, not BRAVE. 
• To tie the previous three together: The Academy does not watch all the movies it should, even the nominees.
• Jennifer Lawrence will be the most divisive figure in Hollywood for the next X years.  Not KStew, JLaw. 

The Almost Oscar Winners Predictions

* = will win                 # = runner-up              $ = personal choice

Best Picture

Amour

Argo*

Beasts of the Southern Wild

Django Unchained

Les Misérables

Life of Pi

Lincoln#

Silver Linings Playbook$

Zero Dark Thirty

            Until it came out, ZDT was the favorite.  Then politics kicked in.  Post-nominations, Lincoln looked to have it in the bag with the most noms.  Then every other awards organization voted.  Argo, to many, has been the favorite for weeks.  Until the WGA, I was sure of Lincoln but alas, Argo will get it, becoming the fourth film to win Best Picture without a Best Director nomination (first since Driving Miss Daisy in 1989; the other two are in the first five years of the Oscars).

Directing

Amour, Michael Haneke

Beasts of the Southern Wild, Benh Zeitlin

Life of Pi, Ang Lee

Lincoln, Steven Spielberg*$

Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell#

            No Affleck, no Bigelow, no Hooper (!!!), no problem?  Not so fast!  Lincoln has lost a bunch of momentum in recent weeks.  It will be way closer than it should be but Spielberg will win.  A Lee or Russell win wouldn’t shock me.

Actor in a Leading Role

Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook

Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln*$

Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables

Joaquin Phoenix, The Master#

Denzel Washington, Flight

            DDL may be the best on the planet.  He has been unstoppable since Lincoln came out in mid November.  If only The Master had a non-acting nomination, then it would be close.  Like Earth to the sun close instead of Earth to Saturn close.

Actress in a Leading Role

Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty

Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook*$

Emmanuelle Riva, Amour#

Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Naomi Watts, The Impossible

            Jennifer Lawrence’s rise to stardom has been lightning fast and a breath of fresh air.  She has the looks & talent for a career that will last decades.  Can’t wait to see what she does next, which will be her acceptance speech.  Riva & Chastain have slight chances.  Very slight.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Alan Arkin, Argo

Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook

Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master

Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln*$

Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained#

            Any of these five could win.  But TLJ won SAG, which means a lot. 

Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams, The Master

Sally Field, Lincoln#

Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables*$

Helen Hunt, The Sessions

Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook

            The prophesy spoken by Julie Andrews 12 years ago comes true as Hathaway wins walking away.  But keep in mind: Sally Field has never lost when nominated.  Who cares if she has only been nominated twice.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

Argo, Screenplay by Chris Terrio*

Beasts of the Southern Wild, Screenplay by Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin

Life of Pi, Screenplay by David Magee

Lincoln, Screenplay by Tony Kushner#

Silver Linings Playbook, Screenplay by David O. Russell$

            Like Best Picture, Lincoln had this in the bag until Argo took over.  But SLP is sitting there for the possible upset.  Will be interesting.

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Amour, Written by Michael Haneke

Django Unchained, Written by Quentin Tarantino*

Flight, Written by John Gatins

Moonrise Kingdom, Written by Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola$

Zero Dark Thirty, Written by Mark Boal#

            There is no one on the planet hoping for vote splitting and a Moonrise Kingdom upset.  But alas, it’s Boal vs. Tarantino Round 2.  Tarantino in a split decision.

Animated Feature Film

Brave, Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman#

Frankenweenie, Tim Burton

ParaNorman, Sam Fell and Chris Butler

The Pirates! Band of Misfits, Peter Lord

Wreck-It Ralph, Rich Moore*$

            Full disclosure: only saw two of these.  Brave was a dud after the big twist.  Wreck-It Ralph was formula, but formula done wonderfully.  Hope it wins. 

Cinematography

Anna Karenina, Seamus McGarvey

Django Unchained, Robert Richardson

Life of Pi, Claudio Miranda#

Lincoln, Janusz Kaminski

Skyfall, Roger Deakins*$

            Deakins isn’t losing again.  Not for the tenth time.  Not even to something as “beautiful” as Life of Pi. 

Costume Design

Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran*$

Les Misérables, Paco Delgado#

Lincoln, Joanna Johnston

Mirror Mirror, Eiko Ishioka

Snow White and the Huntsman, Colleen Atwood

            Didn’t see the movie but I have seen pictures.  Anna Karenina is beautiful.  Will deservedly win.

Film Editing

Argo, William Goldenberg#

Life of Pi, Tim Squyres

Lincoln, Michael Kahn

Silver Linings Playbook, Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers

Zero Dark Thirty, Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg*$

            Mark my words: William Goldenberg will win Best Film Editing.  For which movie, we’ll see.

           

Makeup and Hairstyling

Hitchcock, Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel*

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane

Les Misérables, Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell#

            If The Iron Lady won last year, why not Hitchcock?

Visual Effects

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White

Life of Pi, Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott*

Marvel's The Avengers, Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick$#

Prometheus, Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill

Snow White and the Huntsman, Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson

            Fact: A Best Picture nominee has never lost to a non-BP nominee in Best Visual Effects.  Life of Pi is a BP nominee.  Nuff said.

Music (Original Score)

Anna Karenina, Dario Marianelli

Argo, Alexandre Desplat

Life of Pi, Mychael Danna*

Lincoln, John Williams#

Skyfall, Thomas Newman

            The dumbest branch once again skips the two best scores of 2012: Cloud Atlas & Moonrise Kingdom.  Could really care less about any of them.

Music (Original Song)

“Before My Time” from Chasing Ice Music and Lyric by J. Ralph

“Everybody Needs A Best Friend” from Ted Music by Walter Murphy; Lyric by Seth MacFarlane

“Pi's Lullaby” from Life of Pi Music by Mychael Danna; Lyric by Bombay Jayashri

“Skyfall” from Skyfall Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth*#$

“Suddenly” from Les Misérables Music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

            Yeah, that’s right.  The alternate to “Skyfall” is “Skyfall”.  If it loses, watch out!  The End Is Nigh!!!

Production Design

Anna Karenina, Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer*

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright

Les Misérables, Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson

Life of Pi, Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock

Lincoln, Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson#$

Sound Editing

Argo, Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn#

Django Unchained, Wylie Stateman

Life of Pi, Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton

Skyfall, Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers

Zero Dark Thirty, Paul N.J. Ottosson*$

Sound Mixing

Argo, John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia#

Les Misérables, Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes*

Life of Pi, Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin

Lincoln, Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins

Skyfall, Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson$

            Action movies win Sound Editing, musicals win Sound Mixing.  End of story.

Documentary Feature

5 Broken Cameras, Emad Burnat and Guy Davidi

The Gatekeepers, Dror Moreh, Philippa Kowarsky and Estelle Fialon

How to Survive a Plague, David France and Howard Gertler#

The Invisible War, Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering

Searching for Sugar Man, Malik Bendjelloul and Simon Chinn*

            SfSM has won just about every major documentary award.  Why not Oscar?

I have no idea about the last few, just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

Foreign Language Film

Amour, Austria*

Kon-Tiki, Norway

No, Chile#

A Royal Affair, Denmark

War Witch, Canada

Short Film (Animated)

Adam and Dog, Minkyu Lee#

Fresh Guacamole, PES

Head over Heels, Timothy Reckart and Fodhla Cronin O'Reilly

Maggie Simpson in The Longest Daycare, David Silverman

Paperman, John Kahrs*$

Short Film (Live Action)

Asad, Bryan Buckley and Mino Jarjoura

Buzkashi Boys, Sam French and Ariel Nasr*

Curfew, Shawn Christensen#

Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw), Tom Van Avermaet and Ellen De Waele

Henry, Yan England

Documentary Short Subject

Inocente, Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine*

Kings Point, Sari Gilman and Jedd Wider

Mondays at Racine, Cynthia Wade and Robin Honan

Open Heart, Kief Davidson and Cori Shepherd Stern#

Redemption, Jon Alpert and Matthew O'Neill

Predictions Summary

Picture: Argo*

Director: Lincoln, Steven Spielberg*$

Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln*$

Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook*$

Supp. Actor: Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln*$

Supp. Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables*$

A. Screenplay: Argo, Screenplay by Chris Terrio*

O. Screenplay: Django Unchained, Written by Quentin Tarantino*

Animated: Wreck-It Ralph, Rich Moore*$

Cinematography: Skyfall, Roger Deakins*$

Costume Design: Anna Karenina, Jacqueline Durran*$

Editing: Zero Dark Thirty, Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg*$

Makeup: Hitchcock, Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel*

Visual Effects: Life of Pi, Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott*

Score: Life of Pi, Mychael Danna*

Song: “Skyfall” from Skyfall Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth*#$

Production Design: Anna Karenina, Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer*

Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty, Paul N.J. Ottosson*$

Sound Mixing: Les Misérables, Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes*

Documentary Feature: Searching for Sugar Man, Malik Bendjelloul and Simon Chinn*

Foreign Language: Amour, Austria*

Animated Short: Paperman, John Kahrs*$

Short Film: Buzkashi Boys, Sam French and Ariel Nasr*

Documentary Short: Inocente, Sean Fine and Andrea Nix Fine*

Lincoln leads with three wins.  Six movies win two a piece.

Best Picture Backwards: The Artist

I do not own the above image.  For entertainment purposes only.  Copyright The Weinstein Company.  All rights reserved

                The idea: To watch every Best Picture Oscar winner, mainly to say that I have.  Also, I want to compare them to its fellow nominees (if I have seen them) and to compare them to each other.  And, in a little twist, I will be watching them starting with the most recent, THE ARTIST and finishing sometime next year with WINGS.  I will also keep a running tally of how the movies rank against each other on the bottom of each article.

                For the first few months, I will be re-watching movies (the most recent Best Picture I haven’t seen is 1992’s UNFORGIVEN) some for the second time, some for the tenth plus time.  THE ARTIST falls into the former category.

                THE ARTIST opens with a movie within a movie.  A silent movie starring George Valentin (Jean Dujardin), the biggest star in the world.  But not only is the movie within the movie silent, THE ARTIST is a modern silent movie.  While the movie is silent (almost) the whole way through, the movie industry isn’t.  “Talkies” are taking over, much to the disbelief of Valentin.  What’s worse: Valentin’s popularity is being taken over by Peppy Miller (Bernice Bejo), who Valentin “discovered”.  Can Valentin transition?  Or will he stay behind & tough it out?

                THE ARTIST is ambitious to say the least.  All credit goes to writer/director Michel Hazanavicius for having the audacity for trying something different and not having it blow up in his face.  Jean Dujardin is pitch perfect as the overconfident then defeated Valentin.  Valentin could have gone down the depressing or the self-sorry road but Dujardin never allows that to occur.  Bejo, Hazanavicius’ wife, is solid as the rising star who never forgets where she came from.  And all the supporting players, from John Goodman’s studio executive to Uggie the Dog, are wonderful.

                That said, THE ARTIST ultimately fails at what it wants to accomplish: paying tribute to silent film.  The movie within the movie looks like a silent film, faded & fuzzy with the right amount of titles cards.  The rest?  Not so much.  The movie is silent for sure, but the story gets lost in the lack of title cards.  And the picture?  Just looks like color was turned off.  Note to young filmmakers: If you want to pay homage to something, GO ALL THE WAY!  Don’t half-ass it.  THE ARTIST is silent but not really a homage to the silent era.  And with that…

Did it deserve to win?

No.  For the first time I can remember, my top three movies of a year were each nominated for Best Picture: HUGO, TREE OF LIFE, and THE DESCENDANTS.  MIDNIGHT IN PARIS was the best written movie of the year, even if it was too short.  MONEYBALL was also wonderful.  So, at best, THE ARTIST was the 6^th best Best Picture nominee, despite being around my number ten of the year.

THE ARTIST is far from terrible, but what it fails to do in homage makes it just OK.  

**** (out of 5)

A Good Day to Die Hard

I do not own the above image. For entertainment purposes only. Copyright Twentieth Century Fox. All rights reserved.

                In the film world, there are certain characters that are sacred.  If Family Feud did a survey on the subject, the top answers would probably be Indiana Jones, Han Solo & Rocky Balboa.  If the board showed six or seven answers, John McClain would be up there.  The New York cop first entered the pop culture lexicon in the summer of 1988 with DIE HARD, based on a novel by Roderick Thorp with the screenplay by two masters of the craft, Jeb Stuart & Steven E. de Souza.  Since then, three sequels have met various degrees of success.  Almost 25 years later, director John Moore and screenwriter Skip Woods bring the world A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD.  I bring these names to you only to offer them as a sacrifice to the movie gods for the butchering of a sacred character.

                John McClain’s son, Jack (Jai Courtney), is in trouble with the Russians.  As John arrives, Jack arrives at a courthouse, along with another more important prisoner, Komarov.  Meanwhile, a crime syndicate blows a giant hole in the side of the courthouse to kidnap Komarov, who escapes with the help of Jack.  Is John McClain…

                I am just going to cut to the chase: Bruce Willis does not play John McClain.  Bruce Willis plays some guy who stands by while standard action happens and, in the words of Roger Ebert, “stuff blows up real good”.  And Willis’ character just happens to be named John McClain.  Someone should sue.  Maybe I should.

                Moore & Woods should be banished from Hollywood.  They have created a movie that has made an iconic action hero feel worthless and old.  The world passes him by, even though the enemies (three of them, none of them remotely memorable) are Russian and the climax takes place at Chernobyl (yes, that Chernobyl).  This movie feels like it is one of the rejected drafts of the original DIE HARD.  There is a car chase scene that is so poorly shot & edited, you sometimes wonder if they are on the same road sometimes and are amazed when they are.  And some people, mostly “McClain”, survive falls and escapes that defy Wile E. Coyote physics.

All was not lost: the final ten minutes are ridiculous fun with some vintage McClain.  Too bad the first 85 minutes are a mess.  A total and complete mess.

*

SAFE HAVEN

I do not own the above image.  For entertainment purposes only.  Copyright Relativity Media and Nicholas Sparks Productions.  All Rights Reserved.

Warning: Major spoiler in the final line.  

                When I recommend a movie, I have no regrets.  No matter what the movie is, whether it be animated (WALL-E, FANTASTIC MR. FOX), action (THE BOURNE ULTIMATIUM, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS) or romance (ONCE, THE VOW).  That is, until last week.  SAFE HAVEN is what happens when you listen to me and see THE VOW.

                “Katie” (Julianne “Please Stick to Dancing” Hough) has a problem.  She…did something in her home in Boston.  She needs to flee… a cop who uses his authority terribly…by bus.  “Katie” ends up in…a far off fantasy land where no one digs too deeply about why you are there or who you are, not even if you want a job or rent/buy a cabin.  Or as the movie calls it, North Carolina.  Anyhoo, “Katie” meets Alex (Josh Duhamel), a widower with 2 kids who runs the town’s general store, and falls for him.  But will her past catch up to her?  Can she find peace in Fairytale Land (fine, North Carolina)?  And just who is “Katie’s” mysterious neighbor?

                SAFE HAVEN is yet another Nicholas Sparks novel adapted for the silver screen.  This time, an Oscar nominee is in the director’s chair, Lasse Hallström.  Granted, two of the nominations were over 25 years ago and he hasn’t made a watchable movie since 2000 (CHOCOLAT), but the man at the helm of WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE and THE CIDER HOUSE RULES still has it.  Hallström is a true, natural filmmaker.  However, all Hallström is able to create is the most professionally made Lifetime movie 

ever conceived.

                SAFE HAVEN plays it safe the entire way.  A dead on arrival plot which includes domestic violence, an alcoholic cop, a dreamboat love interest and a dreamlike, brain-dead small town utopia which only used to exist in 1950’s nostalgia films.  The movie starts off far too simple and each new layer is as clichéd as the last.  And each new layer only adds to the story and not to the characters, who end up more wooden than the general store.  Each new layer also contains slight to significant lapses in logic.  For instance, the climatic confrontation can easily viewed by Alex, who is standing on a pier shooting fireworks in the same general direction a few hundred feet away, but is completely oblivious to it until last possible moment.  And I won’t even begin with the shoddy police work by both the Boston police and especially the squad in the small town.

The dialogue varies from the bland to the awful to the truly bizarre.  The aforementioned neighbor, Jo (Cobie Smulders), has the worst of it, saying lines that would be rejected for How I Met Your Mother’s worst episodes.  At one point, Jo asks “Katie” if she is going to be around awhile while “Katie” paints her cabin’s kitchen.

                I’ve seen Josh Duhamel is a few things over the years and he is his usual competent self.  I bet he has millions in the bank (I mean at least one account has to be held jointly with Fergie, right?).  He should take the same acting class as Robert Pattinson I suggested for him a few months ago.  Julianne Hough should stick to her day job, dancing with “stars”.  When asked to look concerned, she half smiles.  When told to memorize lines, she sounds robotic.  And when asked to cry, she appears to be laughing with a frown.  With this & ROCK OF AGES on her resume, only Ryan Seacrest could possibly save her acting career now.

                Undoubtedly, this seems far from the last time that a Sparks novel will be filmed, but please make it stop.  I may not be the intended audience, but I believe that any theatrically released movie should be accessible to anyone at anytime.  Just because it is a love story and I am a male human being (don’t laugh, my wife can back me up on that claim), doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy it.  But I digress: Please, please see SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK for V-Day instead.  For the sake of humanity, see the best love story out there right now!  Not this 115 minute clump of nothing.

                As for the mysterious neighbor’s identity: Let’s just say that you go in expecting to see THE NOTEBOOK and THE SIXTH SENSE breaks out.  Just saying.

* (out of five)

Deconstructing Sandler: Bulletproof

I do not own the above image.  For entertainment purposes only.  Copyright Universal Pictures.  All rights reserved

                Let me assure you: I watched BULLETPROOF.  Months ago.  So long ago, and the movie so memorable, that I completely forget what happens.  All I remember was that it stars Sandler & Damon Wayans and they try to get jokes out of a backwoods hotel.  Seriously, Wayans is a cop & Sandler is a drug dealer arrested by Wayans.  Then, it’s all a blur.  Ninety plus minutes of my life...poof!...gone forever.

                Fear not my dear readers, Deconstructing Sandler will continue on the first Monday of every month until I run out of Sandler movies.  As long as I stay sane…

Never Before No Longer: Bull Durham

I do not own the above image. For entertainment purposes only.  Copyright MGM.  All rights reserved.

                Every boy, including yours truly, grew up playing baseball.  From the ages of 5-12, I played T-Ball & then Little League.  How talented was I?  Well, let’s just say there is a reason I stopped playing at twelve and turned my attention to movies.  But one of those great memories I have is being 12 in the bottom of the sixth down a run with a runner on second & one out.  Under the lights, I swing at the first pitch I saw and laced it into center field.  Not a home run, but enough for a hit to record my first (and only) double of my baseball life.  The next batter, my brother, smacked grounder passed the first baseman and I came in to score.  Baseball, at that age – no matter how badly the teams are skewed – is sports in its most pure form.

                But it didn’t used to be that way.  Baseball, as a whole, was pure.  Baseball used to be played.  Baseball used to be king.  Then money reared its ugly head.  Money canceled the World Series.  Money became the motivation.  Money demanded that players’ performances be enhanced.  Baseball, for all the wrong reasons, became European football: the rich run the joint and the smaller teams just exist.

                Like I said, it didn’t always use to be that way.  BULL DURHAM shows baseball in its purest form: 1980’s minor league baseball.  The place is Durham, North Carolina and the team is the Durham Bulls.  The Bulls have their passionate fans but none more so than Annie (Susan Sarandon).  Annie is the parish president of the “Church of Baseball”.  Every year, she takes a different player “under her wing” and attempts to improve his game, with the added benefit of sex.  The two prospects: Ebby LaLoosh (Tim Robbins), a young, slightly erratic pitcher with sights on “The Show” and Crash Davis, an aging catcher who has spent most of his career in the minors; Annie chooses Ebby.  Ebby, now nicknamed “Nuke”, has a second mentor in Crash, who is responsible for showing “Nuke” the ropes of professional baseball, especially when it comes to how to act in “The Show”.  Will Nuke make “The Show”?  Can Crash get back to his former glory?  Can Annie & Crash co-exist?

                Luckily, none of those questions is really an issue.  What we get is a real treat.  BULL DURHAM has three real people in a grown up movie.  Not just characters, characters who could be people you or I could meet in a minor league baseball town.  Annie is a real fan of her team but not afraid to criticize but in a constructive way.  But she is also a woman who is alone but not completely lonely.  Nuke is unprepared & immature but he’s not stupid.  He knows what he has and what’s missing from his arsenal but he never is afraid of nor acts negatively towards change, just awkwardly reacts to certain tactics.  And Crash knows who he is & what he is in Durham for and does it.  It is only after he is no longer needed that he feels betrayed & angry.  But he doesn’t seek revenge.  Instead, he moves on.

                BULL DURHAM could not have been made today.  First, baseball, like I said above, has changed for the worse.  But most importantly, with how Hollywood runs today, nothing would fit together.  First, no studio on Earth would give a first-time director a medium-low budget with total creative control for a baseball movie that is about baseball as much as BOOGIE NIGHTS is about pornography (but I’ll get to that later).  Second, every cliché in the book would be thrown in by script doctors.  Annie & Crash would hate each other at first.  Crash & Nuke would turn on each other at the end of the second act.  The Durham Bulls would be a rag tag team, brought together around young Nuke, until he is sent to “The Show”.  The Bulls looked doomed until Crash rallies them just in time for “the big game”. 

Luckily, none of this happens.  Instead, we get a movie about three people at a real crossroads in each of their lives.  A movie about how you’re never too old to continue to grow up.  And on the outskirts, we get grown men and the joy they get from being together & playing a child’s game.  The same kind of joy I got as a youngster on the outfield grass or batters’ box.  The same joy I get every time the end credits roll on a great movie, like BULL DURHAM.

****1/2