88th Academy Awards Predictions

BEST PICTURE

The Big Short

Bridge of Spies

Brooklyn

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

Will Win: The Revenant

Should Win/Alternate: Spotlight

Darkhorse: The Big Short

DIRECTING

Adam McKay, The Big Short

George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road

Alejandro González Iñárritu, The Revenant

Lenny Abrahamson, Room

Tom McCarthy, Spotlight

Will Win: Iñárritu

Should Win: Miller

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Bryan Cranston, Trumbo

Matt Damon, The Martian

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs

Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Will Win: DiCaprio

Should Win: Damon

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Cate Blanchett, Carol

Brie Larson, Room

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years

Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn

Will Win: Larson

Should Win: Ronan

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Christian Bale, The Big Short

Tom Hardy, The Revenant

Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight

Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies

Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Will Win: Stallone

Should Win: Hardy

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight

Rooney Mara, Carol

Rachel McAdams, Spotlight

Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Will Win: Vikander

Should Win: Mara

WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)

The Big Short

Brooklyn

Carol

The Martian

Room

Will/Should Win: The Big Short

WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)

Bridge of Spies

Ex Machina

Inside Out

Spotlight

Straight Outta Compton

Will/Should Win: Spotlight

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Anomalisa

Boy and the World

Inside Out

Shaun the Sheep Movie

When Marnie Was There

Will Win: Inside Out

Should Win: Shaun the Sheep Movie

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Carol

The Hateful Eight

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Sicario

Will Win: The Revenant

Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

COSTUME DESIGN

Carol

Cinderella

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Will Win: The Danish Girl

Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)

Amy

Cartel Land

The Look of Silence

What Happened, Miss Simone?

Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom

Will Win: Amy

DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT)

Body Team 12

Chau, beyond the Lines

Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah

A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness

Last Day of Freedom

Will Win: Claude Lanzmann: Spectres of the Shoah

FILM EDITING

The Big Short

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Spotlight

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Will Win: The Revenant

Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Embrace of the Serpent

Mustang

Son of Saul

Theeb

A War

Will Win: Son of Saul

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING

Mad Max: Fury Road

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed out the Window and Disappeared

The Revenant

Will/Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SCORE)

Bridge of Spies

Carol

The Hateful Eight

Sicario

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Will Win: The Hateful Eight

Should Win: Carol

MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG)

“Earned It,” Fifty Shades of Grey

“Manta Ray,” Racing Extinction

“Simple Song #3,” Youth

“Til It Happens To You,” The Hunting Ground

“Writing’s On The Wall,” Spectre

Will Win: “Til It Happens To You”

Should Win: “Writing’s On The Wall”

PRODUCTION DESIGN

Bridge of Spies

The Danish Girl

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Will Win: The Revenant

Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)

Bear Story

Prologue

Sanjay’s Super Team

We Can’t Live without Cosmos

World of Tomorrow

Will Win: World of Tomorrow

SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)

Ave Maria

Day One

Everything Will Be Okay (Alles Wird Gut)

Shok

Stutterer

Will Win: Ave Maria

SOUND EDITING

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Sicario

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Will/Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

SOUND MIXING

Bridge of Spies

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Will/Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

VISUAL EFFECTS

Ex Machina

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Martian

The Revenant

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Will Win: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road

Fantasy Box Office: February 26-28

DEADPOOL

Cost: 623 FML Bucks

Estimate: $26.54 million

Sure, for the third straight weekend, DEADPOOL will win the weekend.  But for the second straight weekend, it won’t be part of the perfect Cineplex.  Despite the mini expansion, it’s just too expensive.

GODS OF EGYPT

Cost: 243 FML Bucks

Estimate: $11.6 million

I’m seeing many estimates for this $140 million movie a lot lower than mine.  There has to be an audience for this movie but is a good chunk of it seeing DEADPOOL for a second time?

TRIPLE 9

Cost: 206 FML Bucks

Estimate: $9.075 million

I had increased my estimate by a million bucks because of peer pressure and it became a serious Bonus contender because of it.  But are older moviegoers going to skip Best Picture nominees on Oscars weekend?  I think not.

KUNG FU PANDA 3

Cost: 201 FML Bucks

Estimate: $8.14 million

Last weekend as the only movie for kids in theatres.  I hope you finally go if you haven’t already, but I’m not banking on it.

EDDIE THE EAGLE

Cost: 181 FML Bucks

Estimate: $9.2 million

I think this is the real wild card for the weekend.  Similar movies have done over $10 million but most estimates have it under mine.  If it hits over $9 million, the Bonus is in reach & eggs will be on faces but not mine.

RISEN

Cost: 158 FML Bucks

Estimate: $5.9 million

Still the first of many religious movies coming out in the weeks to come.  I see a big drop here.

HOW TO BE SINGLE

Cost: 96 FML Bucks

Estimate: $4.101 million

Obviously, “girls night out”s are more plentiful at places with a lot of alcohol.  The big drops continue.

THE WITCH

Cost: 95 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.344 million

A horror flick with a ‘C-‘ Cinemascore?  This movie will fall off the face of the Earth.

RACE

Cost: 92 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.309 million

No longer the newest true sports movie on the block.  Sure to fade into oblivion.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Cost: 59 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.344 million

The eleventh week & it’s still playing in over 1400 theatres.  Could The Force be with it still?

THE REVENANT

Cost: 58 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.398 million

The Best Picture Oscar frontrunner on Oscar weekend.  Gross could be all over the place.

ZOOLANDER 2

Cost: 56 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.76 million

A disaster of mammoth proportions on multiple levels.  And now it loses over 1400 theatres.  Ouch.

HAIL, CAESAR!

Cost: 29 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.181 million

The Coens latest continues to fade into obscurity.

RIDE ALONG 2

Cost: 28 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.22 million

This bad comedy keeps chugging along for one last bow.

THE CHOICE

Cost: 19 FML Bucks

Estimate: $0.721 million

Valentine’s Day is long over and so might be the reign of Nicholas Sparks in cinemas.

My Cineplex

            I changed my Cineplex three times in two days.  I honestly think the EDDIE THE EAGLE has a legitimate shot at $10+ million this weekend.  I also have zero faith in the rest of the movies this weekend.  Plus, it’s the last weekend of the Awards Season and I need to go bold in order to crack the top 250 for the season.  Might as well take a chance.

EDDIE THE EAGLE x5, RIDE ALONG 2 x3

Total Cost: 989 FML Bucks

Estimate After Bonus: $59.66 million

As always,

Good Luck & Buy a Winning Ticket!

Review: Eddie the Eagle

I do not own the above image.  Copyright 20th Century Fox.  All Right Reserved.

            I am a sports junkie and have been most of my life.  I love the thrill of football on cool, autumn afternoons.  Weekend mornings are wonderful because of Premier League soccer.  And with the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament coming up so fast, I need to dust off my HOOSIERS DVD to get fired up.  In the sub-genre of true sports dramas, EDDIE THE EAGLE is on the opposite end of the standings as that 1986 charmer.

            EDDIE THE EAGLE takes every single sports drama cliché and squeezes the joy out of them then glues them to the screen.  Physical disability during childhood?  Eddie Edwards (Egerton) has bad knees for about 10 minutes then are never mentioned again.  Funny looking?  Big glasses. Capital of Austria?  Vienna.  Dream that’s nearly impossible?  Participate in the Olympics.  Obscure sport?  Throws dart at wall, hit ski jumping.  Finds washed-up coach?  Ski jumper turned snowplow driver Bronson Peary (Jackman).  Coach’s sob story?  Ego ended career, turned to booze.  Insurmountable obstacle?  England’s arbitrary rules & guidelines.  Chicken or fish?  Lasagna.  The further into the movie we get, the more & more these clichés are milked.  And the more this went on, the angrier & angrier I got.  When the movie finally gets to the climax, I wanted to run down & tear the screen off the wall. 

            For most of the runtime, I sat in my seat wondering if Eddie was supposed to be autistic.  If so, Egerton’s performance mostly works.  He gets a bunch of his tics down pat & his mannerisms are consistent.  However, under this assumption, the villains are not only evil but also complete assholes.  The Great Britain Olympic Committee should sue for how they are portrayed here.  They are so conniving & sinister that Anton Chigurh would tell the Committee Chairman, “Calm down, friend-o.”  The animosity starts immediately at an athlete showcase for potential sponsors and only grows more intense & grotesque from there.  The verbal, semi-private dismissal was tolerable.  The arbitrary rule change?  Historically inaccurate & clichéd but understandable.  But the behavior by the Board & his fellow British athletes is appalling.  To treat a (perceived) mentally handicapped person as they do is degrading & embarrassing.

            On the flipside, what if Eddie isn’t supposed to be autistic?  For starters, Egerton’s performance is wildly off.  Now, he just makes Eddie look like an awkward buffoon in front of people in a Sheldon Cooper kind of way.  The worst offense to this is the early interaction with the single, middle-aged woman who owns the bar at the training site.  She hits on Eddie but Eddie doesn’t understand any of the double entendres she spits out.  The “Eddie-is-not-autistic” Theory also throws off how Eddie’s mother works as a character.  She appears to be the ever encouraging mother who believes 125% in her son’s hopes & dreams.  This, however, does not work very well if Eddie is normal mental capacity.  She just looks like the crazy person in the household, babying Eddie all the time.  As for Eddie’s dad, no matter the scenario he just comes off as a half-assed version of the disapproving dad trope.

            Looking past the paint-by-numbers script by Sean Macaulay (HITCHCOCK) and Simon Kelton, the movie look awful.  How many times have you exercised to Hall & Oates?  Well, you see Eddie have a training montage to “You Make My Dreams Come True”.  Director Dexter Fletcher also uses very bad CG for a lot of the ski jumping that sticks out like a sore thumb.  The brightness of the late 1980s styles makes this a real pain on the brain & the eyes.  Hugh Jackman uses his star power to the fullest as he tries to drag the viewer through the movie without injury.  He’s playing a clichéd character but lights up the screen every time he appears.

            EDDIE THE EAGLE is the kind of clichéd mess one should be accustomed to seeing in late February.  But it just lingers so mightily on those inspirational true sports story clichés like maggots on a wildebeest’s carcass.  The two leads, especially Jackman, try to keep the movie flying high but the constant beating of the sports movie tropes, lazy filmmaking & inappropriately sinister villain can barely keep this monstrosity watchable.

1/2*

Review: DEADPOOL

I do not own the above image.  Copyright 20th Century Fox & Marvel.  All Rights Reserved.

            I think we can all agree: superhero movies are en vogue right now and are only becoming more dominant.  The only proof you need is the dominance of DEADPOOL at the box office the past week, only taking eight days to make $200 million.  But as comic book movies become more & more of the norm, I wonder what the public (and based on the Rotten Tomatoes score, professional critics) sees in some of these movies, especially DEADPOOL.

            First off, I have to admit: the highway fight scene is phenomenal.  A wonderful mocking of large, public fight scenes.  When you fight a villain’s minions, they die & die brutally.  DEADPOOL isn’t afraid to show that.  And what’s all this about the hero having almost unlimited ammunition & never missing?  Well, DEADPOOL thinks that’s ridiculous as well, lampooning that trope in a wonderful slow-motion fight sequence, even if it does hit the nail on the head once too often when showing the audience just how many bullets are left multiple times.  There’s even an element of “reverse monologuing” after the antagonist is caught.

            That sequence, which takes up about 25 of the first 40 minutes of the movie, should have been a harbinger of things to come.  Then DEADPOOL jumps of the highs of the highway & into the trash.  No, I don’t mean that as a metaphor.  At the end of that sequence, Deadpool literally jumps off the overpass & into a passing garbage truck.  It’s as if first-time director feature director Tim Miller and writers Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick (GI JOE: RETALIATION and ZOMBIELAND) were telling us in advance that the rest of the movie was worthless & deserves to rot next to banana peels for the rest of time.

            And here is the root of my problem with DEADPOOL: deep down, it is just another superhero movie.  It hits every single superhero origin story beat that exists without ever poking fun at them.  Wade Wilson has a love interest who appears to be some sort of hooker with a taste for not-so good people like Wilson.  What else do we learn about her?  Just that after Wilson becomes Deadpool & never sees her again, she gets really depressed.  Not one joke about how one-dimensional main female in a superhero movie is.  In fact, the bulk of DEADPOOL’s humor comes from Ryan Reynolds one-liners that are more vulgar & gross than witty & biting about comic book movies as they should be.  The viewer’s enjoyment depends solely on how much of Deadpool’s shtick can you handle.  My patience ran out quite early.

            But Deadpool’s not the only one who cuts jokes.  Wade’s BFF Weasel is your standard comic relief sidekick whose every line is some sort of observational joke that landed with the audience almost every time but not me.  Why not?  Because the hilarious buddy trope here is played dead straight.  No jokes about how Weasel just has to be funny all the time.  Why not have Weasel be a poor jokester with long punchlines & horrible timing?

            But the worst element of DEADPOOL in a landslide is Ed Skrein as Ajax, or as Deadpool repeats over & over again as if it’s the most hilarious name for a man in the universe, Francis.  Ajax is written straighter & blander than a steel beam on the overpass in the opening fight scene.  The movie is so focused on showing Deadpool as this hilarious asshole that the villain is completely forgotten until the writers realized that they needed to actually end the movie somehow.  And even if Ajax were written like Syndrome from THE INCREDIBLES, Skrein has the charisma of a paper plate.  I don’t think his facial expression changed once voluntarily.

            As for the other main actors, Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool & if you can stand him, you will enjoy him here.  Morena Baccarin tries her best to make Vanessa a real person but is written so poorly, Jessica Chastain would have failed in the role.

            So much of DEADPOOL drove me nuts.  The little asides involving the Indian cab driver were uninspiring.  Deadpool’s blind, sassy black woman roommate got old real quick.  The movie teases nudity so much that I wondered why this movie wanted an ‘R’ rating if it wasn’t going to use it to its full potential and just show it to the manchildren in the audience.   And when it finally came around, the third act lacked tension, awe or originality so much so that mingling in the halls felt like a better option.

            DEADPOOL is a lot like your Congressman.  He/she shows up on the scene with the appearance that he/she will change everything.  But after you vote for him, he goes & acts just like everyone else in political office.  DEADPOOL thinks it’s much smarter than it actually is thanks to receiving that ‘R’ rating label from the MPAA.  Once you get behind that façade, DEADPOOL is nothing more than a generic comic book movie with a basic telling of an origin story, a cardboard damsel-in-distress & an impossibly bland villain.  With the promise of being something big & groundbreaking after that opening battle sequence, DEADPOOL becomes a brainless shell of the flavor of the month.

*1/2

Fantasy Box Office: February 19-21

DEADPOOL

Cost: 821 FML Bucks

Estimate: $68.85 million

A historic weekend usually means a meteoric drop.  Any drop lower than 55% should be considered a victory.  It is my belief that none of the over-100 FML Bucks will win the bonus so using DEADPOOL as your foundationthis weekend is the right play.

RISEN

Cost: 128 FML Bucks

Estimate: $11 million

The first of four (FOUR?!?!) Christian-centric movies in the next two months.  This is the historical drama of the bunch.  I’m a little more optimistic than most of the experts and even then, it’s still a half million short of consideration.

KUNG FU PANDA 3

Cost: 126 FML Bucks

Estimate: $10.9 million

The fourth weekend of the best movie in theatres right now. 

RACE

Cost: 103 FML Bucks

Estimate: $9.8 million

This is the big wild card of the weekend.  A Jesse Owens biopic during Black History month should be a slam dunk but that’s only true if it wins the Bonus.  And I think it comes up just short in a crowded field.

THE WITCH

Cost: 90 FML Bucks

Estimate: $6 million

Low budget horror in 1800 theatres.  No chance.

HOW TO BE SINGLE

Cost: 88 FML Bucks

Estimate: $8 million

The single ladies didn’t come out last weekend and those that did, didn’t really care for this.  Nothing makes me think they show up this weekend.

ZOOLANDER 2

Cost: 62 FML Bucks

Estimate: $5.536 million

Take what I said about HTBS & change “single ladies” to “thirty- & fourty-somethings.”

THE REVENANT

Cost: 42 FML Bucks

Estimate: $4.5 million

Sixth weekend in wide release of one of the Best Picture frontrunners.  There’s still an audience for the movie but I don’t think it’s big enough.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Cost: 37 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.695 million

It’s the weekend after Valentine’s Day and I have STAR WARS winning the Bonus.  It’s still in most theatres and people will still show up.

HAIL, CAESAR!

Cost: 31 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.878 million

The diehard Coen Brothers fans haven’t shown up and probably won’t now.

THE CHOICE

Cost: 27 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.088 million

Valentine’s Day is over and so might be the run of Nicholas Sparks at the box office.

RIDE ALONG 2

Cost: 24 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.229 million

This terrible, comedic sequel just keeps chugging along.  Will make decent money for the cost again, just not enough for the Bonus.

THE BOY

Cost: 16 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.244 million

Not the newest horror flick in town.  Just ignore & move on.

THE FINEST HOURS

Cost: 13 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.222 million

Change “single ladies” to “senior citizens” in HTBS, only this time it’s a shame.

Busco Novio Para Mi Mujer

Cost: 13 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1 million

Ummm…  No comment.

My Cineplex

            As badly as I want to take RACE, to be worth it, it MUST win the Bonus.  But the race for the Bonus is too tight to take that risk.  Taking the four ‘safe’ pick screens (DEADPOOL & three STAR WARS) with filler on the other four, which leaves me with…

DEADPOOL x1, STAR WARS x3, HAIL, CAESAR! x1, THE FINEST HOURS x2, BNPMM x1

Total Cost: 1000 FML Bucks

Estimate After Bonus: $92.256 million

As always,

Good Luck & Buy a Winning Ticket!

Fantasy Box Office: February 12-14

DEADPOOL

Cost: 811 FML Bucks

Estimate: $85.2 million
A $12.7 million Thursday night will excite those who are thinking a $100 million 4-day but I'm not buying it.  It's still an 'R' rated comic book movie on Valentine's Day weekend.  It will still be successful & be in contention for the Bonus.

ZOOLANDER 2

Cost: 238 FML Bucks

Estimate: $28 million

The sequel a few of you have been waiting 15 years for.  Can it overcome the negative reviews and the possible babysitter shortage for the 40-something fans of the original?  Could hit low 30’s & win the bonus or could miss $20 completely.

HOW TO BE SINGLE

Cost: 198 FML Bucks

Estimate: $23 million

Here’s something unique: an ‘R’ rated raunchy comedy targeted at women.  With the Valentine’s Day release, this should do well, possibly very well.  Will compete for the Bonus but will fall short.

KUNG FU PANDA 3

Cost: 190 FML Bucks

Estimate: $17.259 million

No matter how much I advocate for people to go see this, they don’t go.  Now, I’m seeing some say KFP3 will make more this 4-day weekend than it did last weekend.  I think those people are nuts.

HAIL, CAESAR!

Cost: 79 FML Bucks

Estimate: $6.8 million
A 'C-' Cinemascore spells doom for the Coen Brothers.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Cost: 53 FML Bucks

Estimate: $5.02 million

Might be the last weekend for this to be readily available.  DEADPOOL will hurt this, but by how much?
 

THE REVENANT

Cost: 52 FML Bucks

Estimate: $4.579 million
It's still Awards Season & this could surprise but I think this has run its course.

THE CHOICE

Cost: 37 FML Bucks

Estimate: $4.5 million
A 'PG-13' romance on Valentine's Day weekend?  Destined to win the Bonus.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES

Cost: 33 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.212 million
Second weekend of horror mashups are historically disasters.  History won't change this time either.

RIDE ALONG 2

Cost: 33 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.01 million
If adults want a laugh, they have a new option.  Let the disappointment continue.

THE FINEST HOURS

Cost: 32 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.896 million
A nice movie if your grandparents go out on V-Day.  What a disappointment.

THE BOY

Cost: 31 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.796 million
Horror movies on V-Day weekend?  A Christmas movie would do better.

DIRTY GRANDPA

Cost: 28 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.444 million
Raunchy Spring Break comedies won't do well either.

THE 5^TH WAVE

Cost: 25 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.263 million
Nor will mediocre Young Adult adaptations.

13 HOURS

Cost: 18 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.568 million
It's still a political season so this could still do decent business, but this has already been rejected by most audiences.

My Cineplex

            Valentine’s Day has been dominated by movies for women for years.  And this year will be no different.  And I’m going all in on the ladies at the box office.  I need to make a move and this is my attempt.

HOW TO BE SINGLE x4, THE CHOICE x4

Total Cost: 940 FML Bucks

Estimate After Bonus: $118 million

As always,

Good Luck & Buy a Winning Ticket!

Review: HAIL, CAESAR!

I do not own the above image.  Copyright Universal Pictures.  All Rights Reserved.

            If your favorite artist - be it a filmmaker, musician, sculptor, painter, actor, whoever - makes something that is terrible, are you able & willing to admit it?   Joel Coen & Ethan Coen have made some of the best movies of the past three decades.  FARGO is marvelous, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is 90% of a masterpiece and INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS leaves me speechless still.  HAIL, CAESAR! was primed to get those descriptions as well with Deakins behind the camera, Clooney, Johansson & Brolin in front of it and Roderick Jaynes in the editing room.  Instead, HAIL, CAESAR! is being described as if it were a Brett Ratner movie.

            Eddie Mannix (Brolin) is the head of production of Capitol Pictures in the early 1950’s.  He’s not having a good day.  His star, Baird Whitlock, has disappeared from the set of the titular Roman epic.  DeeAnna Moran (Johansson) can barely fit into her mermaid costume because she is pregnant out of wedlock.  Hobie Doyle’s (Ehrenreich) transition into a mainstream movie star under the wing of Laurence Laurentz (Fiennes) is not going so well.  Then there are Thora and Thessaly Thacker (Swinton & Swinton), twins & rival columnists looking for the latest scoop or juicy rumor.  At the same time, he gets an unbelievable offer to become the CEO of the Lockheed Corporation.

            It becomes quite clear quite early that the movie does not have a solid center to pivot from one storyline to another.  Mannix’s decision about his future quickly becomes the center of the film and that inner conflict needed more attention.  HAIL, CAESAR! spends most of the time following Mannix as he runs around Southern California like a chicken with his head cut off.  Meetings with writers, directors, the Thacker twins, a clutzy editor, lawyers, a priest, you name it, Mannix met them.  Just looking at the schedule of a studio head makes one exhausted but not enough time was used to show just how stressed out he is from the shenanigans of his stars, despite Brolin’s best efforts.  The only scenes that slightly work are where Mannix has to talk down the threats of the dueling Thackers.  Tilda Swinton

            Instead, the Coens focus on the stars themselves in a sort of commentary about how celebrity culture hasn’t changed over the years.  This would make for an interesting movie if only those subplots worked.  At all.  As it turns out, Whitlock has been kidnapped by Communists but the Coens use the old “character misunderstanding the situation” to make Whitlock look like a bigger idiot than he probably is.  In addition, the Communist subplot ends in amusing fashion but by that time, you’ve already checked out of the movie.

            The DeeAnna Moran storyline is given so little attention, I ponder why Johansson took the role to begin with, beyond the allure of working with the four-time Oscar winners.  As far as I can remember, she’s in two scenes, one of which being that scene you see repeatedly in the marketing with Jonah Hill, which is his only scene, before the subplot is wrapped up while the lead sleeps.  What a waste!

            Hobie Doyle has a tough time with complex dialogue as shown by an endless (at least it felt that way) scene where Laurentz tries to get Doyle to say a 6 word line to his liking.  I don’t know if this was the purpose but Fiennes acts circles around young Ehrenreich.  Doyle’s story also includes a tiny premiere of one of his B-movie Westerns and his date with a Latina actress stereotype, which goes nowhere until it intersects with another of the celeb subplots.

            When the stars are making their movies, HAIL, CAESAR! shines.  The re-creation of an aquatic dance sequence featuring Johansson as a mermaid in the first 10 minutes is simply gorgeous.  Another recreation is a musical sequence featuring Channing Tatum as a sailor about to ship off is also very entertaining.

            But these two scenes are not enough to keep the movie afloat.  Even on a technical level, HAIL, CAESAR! fails miserably.  The movie looks as if the Brothers Coen didn’t care.  It has this modern filmmaking feel to it and doesn’t work with the time period not the setting at all.  Deakins’ cinematography is so lazy & uninspiring that it wouldn’t shock me if he gave out instructions to his assistant over the phone while working on another project.

            When the credits started rolling, I sat there is disbelief.  The first credit read “Written, Produced & Directed by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen” and I didn’t believe it.  Never in a million years would I have expected to have been so thoroughly bored & enraged by a movie they created.  The acting is decent but the writing is painfully unfunny and, apart from the vintage Hollywood set pieces, the general look is uninspiring.  On paper, this should have been that February “diamond in the rough” movie.  In reality, it’s prestigious dog shit.

*

Fantasy Box Office: February 5-7

KUNG FU PANDA 3

Cost: 433 FML Bucks

Estimate: $25.595 million

After a disappointing opening weekend, this excellent (review coming soon) threequel looks to rebound with the lack of real new competition.  It may be Super Bowl weekend but the least hindered movie of the weekend should be the one for kids.  Should win the Bonus in a runaway.

HAIL, CAESAR!

Cost: 286 FML Bucks

Estimate: $14 million

The Coen Brothers are known for their quality films (even if this isn’t one of them, review coming later) but almost never light up the box office.  With the post-WWII Hollywood as the backdrop of this star-studded film, this one won’t either.  A complete non-factor.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIE

Cost: 240 FML Bucks

Estimate: $12.7 million

Wild card #1.  Based on a popular book, this horror-romance-comedy appears to have been released about 3 years too late.  If this hits $14.5 million, it could become a major Bonus factor.

THE REVENANT

Cost: 201 FML Bucks

Estimate: $8.945 million

Remember two weeks ago when the Mid Atlantic was snowed in?  Box office receipts were down almost across the board.  After the melting, people went to the movies again.  Last week’s numbers were inflated for all the non-opening movies.  I expect a huge drop here but even if it doesn’t plummet, it still won’t compete for the Bonus.

THE CHOICE

Cost: 181 FML Bucks

Estimate: $9.35 million

Wild Card #2.  Do the ladies still love Nicholas Sparks?  Maybe if released next weekend (Valentine’s Day) instead of this weekend, it nabs the Bonus.  Still a competitor but will fall short.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Cost: 168 FML Bucks

Estimate: $6.67 million

Post-blizzard drop plus age plus theatre drop means…STAY AWAY!

THE FINEST HOURS

Cost: 114 FML Bucks

Estimate: $5.66 million

A well-received true story should have a decent hold.  The best mid-range option.

RIDE ALONG 2

Cost: 99 FML Bucks

Estimate: $4.63 million

Major disappointment all around here.  A bad movie with bad word of mouth with another theatre count drop.  This should plummet, with or without the post-blizzard deflation.

DIRTY GRANDPA

Cost: 89 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.416 million

Boosted by the thaw last week, this bad comedy is fall to where it belongs: the far end of the Cineplex.

THE BOY

Cost: 88 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.02 million

Will act like a horror movie on its 3^rd weekend, which coincidentally THE BOY is.

THE 5^TH WAVE

Cost: 85 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.214 million

Mediocre YA adaptation will fade into nothing beginning this weekend.

13 HOURS

Cost: 73 FML Bucks

Estimate: $3.137 million

FIFTY SHADES OF BLACK

Cost: 53 FML Bucks

Estimate: $2.36 million

Poor reviews? Check.  Bad CinemaScore?  Check.  Disasterous 2^nd weekend hold?  Pending.

THE BIG SHORT

Cost: 52 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.991 million

Last week’s surprise Bonus winner lost less than 200 screens this week.  But like many movies this week, the post-winter storm drop will make it worthless this week.

DADDY’S HOME

Cost: 36 FML Bucks

Estimate: $1.834 million

Sure, it’s an old movie and it’s losing 700 screens.  But as the cheapest option, it’s worth taking to fill up screens.  Possible Bonus contender.

My Cineplex

            I have zero confidence in the new releases, especially after seeing one of them Thursday night.  While the optimum lineup for my predictions involves taking THE CHOICE twice, I eliminated it from consideration.  With KFP3 as a no brainer pick, my Cineplex this week is…

KUNG FU PANDA 3, THE FINEST HOURS x4, DADDY’S HOME x3

Total Cost: 997 FML Bucks

Estimate After Bonus: $55.731 million

As always,

Good Luck & Buy a Winning Ticket!